Friday, November 16, 2001
Thursday, November 15, 2001
People love to measure things. Good rates makes them feel good, or what is more important, makes them feel better than other people. Although you can not measure how stupid somebody is, scientists have tried to do this. Result: scientists are stupid. And oh yes, IQ or Intelligence Quotient.
I don't know why the word quotient is in it, but I have a little theory. Intelligence is inversely proportional to the number of people you have gathered, so this looks like a division of intelligence to me. Hence Intelligence Quotient. You don't agree? Some examples to convince you. A person gets lynched by a mass, not by an individual. Armies. Football. Sects. Family. Ibiza.
Other things to measure: EQ (more is better), height (more is better, but stop if you touch the ceiling), weight (as a baby, more is better, as a Grownup less is better, as an anorexia patient less is better, but everybody keeps telling you more is better), breasts (more - or bigger - is better; it means there's plenty of food) and so on.
I have two more things that can be measured:
- WR or Wanting Reflex: this is the time needed to make you want something. F.e. if I see a bottle of milk, I want it in about 17 milliseconds. A good developed WR is very important to survive in this greedy world. If you're slow in this, other people take your food and it's game over. If there are 2 nipples and 3 babies, the skinniest baby is the one with a low WR. If there are 2 nipples and 1 baby, it's a fat one, but still... you never know whether there's another baby lurking around the corner, right?
- AAT or Anger Acceleration Time: time needed before you're up-to-speed angry when you don't get what you want. Sometimes you're hungry but you're too far from that delicious food. Then you'll have to warn your parents they have to do something about it. My AAT is about 3 seconds and it's divided into different phases: amazed detection of not getting it, then lowering the corners of my mouth while filling my lungs with fresh air, then produce loud noise.
Wednesday, November 14, 2001
I mentioned there's a tooth out there, lurking under the gum to pop up (gum is the flesh that keeps your teeth from falling out of your mouth, at least if somebody didn't beat you hard enough). But Mr. Tooth seems to have plenty of time before he shows up. He built himself a little home, a nice warm place to stay under the surface.
But Mr. Tooth has huge shoulders, and my gum is coming under heavy pressure. And this hurts very badly. This is going on for a while now, but this week the pain is at its worst. I wake up a couple of times every night because Mr. Tooth is saying hi. I respond as expected: waaaaaaahhh!. Seconds later, mom is holding me to make the pain go away (well, sometimes minutes, mom is only human).
Dad is also helping: he keeps the bed warm and cosy for the moment mom returns, because it's pretty cold these nights, and there's no heating in my room. Also (as was the case last night when mom got tired of running around and she dropped me in the Big Bed between her and dad) my Ol'Man snores very loud to keep me calm. I think the snoring has a very relaxing effect on the pain, unlike my mom: she thinks snoring men need a push or kick now and then.
It's not that dad doesn't want to get up. Mom is just way faster and less good in sleep-acting I suppose. And mom's mother instinct is understandably better developed than dad's. But there's hope. This week I was with Pseudo-mom, and she's much better in the skill of letting babies cry then mom is. She is for 95% babycry-resistant. Dad had to pick me up at her place, and when he entered I was in the middle of a cryattack in an attempt to get through the shields of Pseudomom - I was trying out the High Voice - High Volume attack (HV Double for insiders).
At that time, dad came in and all (deeply hidden) feelings of compassion and paternity came loose within seconds. He hugged me in no time and held me very close. Wow, I discovered his emotions! Maybe that's because his computer wasn't there. Things could change once he has a portable of course.
Tuesday, November 13, 2001
What are toys? Sounds like an easy question, but it's not. According to highly skilled marketing dumbos and expensive teevee commercials, toys are colorful and harmless duplicates of real world objects that help your child develop his talents and gifts to the outermost limits.
Well, this is what they should do, but toy-promoting dumbos and commercials turn out to be so expensive companies need to sell a lot of toys to pay all this. So they took out the educational aspect and replaced it by appealing. They made huge studies to find out what we believe we want so that we can convince our parents we need it so they can buy it. Difficult huh? That's why these studies are expensive and thus toys are expensive too.
Back to the real world of me and my baby-buddies: we live in a reality totally different from the Grownups's. In our world, everything is a potential toy. Buy a very expensive gift for us and we consider the transparent package as the most interesting part of it. We focus on very unpredictable objects for our entertainment.
A very good example of what we consider to be a toy is the human face. It's a complete theme park, it's concentrated fun, it's a garden of discovery. I love exploring the human facade. Since I only see faces of others, not my own, I have to discover the face of Grownups, f.e. dad's.
I'll give some examples of the endless possibilities:
- You can put your fingers in his mouth, then grab his lower lip. Preferably with non-clipped fingernails.
- You can grab an eyeball in an attempt to pull it out.
- You can grab his hairs with both hands and pull them as hard as possible. If you're lucky you can keep some of his hairs as a souvenir.
- You can scratch the facial surface, it leaves neat red scars.
- You can pet a beard if the face features one, but you'll have to be a bit careful here, because a beard can cause some pain when not treated with softness. To you.
- As a general rule of thumb, you don't have to be careful at all: the harder you play with the face, the neater: you'll hear loud sounds and probably you can make it scream if you give all you can.
I improved my motoric skills. I enhanced my movements. Better stability. Yeah, I got me an upgrade recently. It's like a brand new model of me. Although I don't know towards what this is heading now, because it didn't give me a lot of benefits yet. Ok, what's this all about?
Check this out: the first neat feature is called sitting. How do you accomplish this?
- Lift me up.
- Try to get my butt on a horizontal surface (this can be tricky, because I'm trying to stretch my legs between the surface and my butt, so you'll have to keep me from doing that: the best way to do so, is moving my body away from you, then push it down.
- When butt is on surface, release me. You'll notice I'm sitting down! However, there are two limitations. I can only do this for a limited timespan (let's say a couple of seconds) and it's still a pudding-like style of sitting, but mom and dad are pretty proud of me. Besides, dad's sitting style behind his Pu (=computer) is worse than that: his butt is a meter away from the machine, while his nose touches the screen.
Other feature: eum, there isn't really a word for it, but you could refer to it as sitting on my hands and knees in a close-to-crawling fase. I could call it sitting doggiestyle, but this word seems to have a loaded meaning for Grownups. How to accomplish this one?
So I'm not sure yet what's the purpose of this. I think it will become a way of moving around. I've see flashes of it: if I move my center, my body moves with it. But it's still a lot of kinetics I need for a little distance to cross. I use it to get to a toy, but most of the time it gets me further away of it. It's a bit like a first-time swimmer: a lot of water is transfered, but little distance is crossed. But same thing here: mom and dad are sooooww proud... Loosers! They ain't seen nothing yet!
- Lift me up.
- Bring my body into a horizontal position, my head pointing to the North, my butt to the South (but East and West might do as well)
- Lower my body towards a horizontal surface and release me. (I don't mean drop me)
- I'm now stuck in a not-so-handy position:
- My hands are immobilized and they have become useless: if I try to use them, my head is heading (man, what an explanation!) towards the ground for a Feyocrash.
- My legs are immobilized, when I try to use them I fall on my tummy.
I'll keep you informed of future motoric upgrades!