Saturday, August 25, 2001
Garage is the most beautiful word I ever heard in my entire life! Yesterday dad accidentally used this word, saw the ultrawide smiling face and the hunger in my eyes and kept repeating it for me. The ultimate thrill for my little ears! This sounded so good I could eat it (if there was a way to eat words of course). This might be the first word for me to pronounce in my life.
It's a general misunderstanding that babys cannot talk. Of course they can talk! They don't want to yet, that's all. They are in the stage of overthinking what the first word will be they will pronounce. It has to do with superstition: babys seem to believe that a wrongly chosen first word predicts an unsuccessful life. So they take the time to choose a very strong, powerful and successful word. Most of the time, after waiting and meditating for several months, they end up with mommy or daddy... This is so stupid, they lack any sense of long term vision! They choose the route to immediate success, knowing that mom and dad were the path to success in the first months of their lives. Just because this is the source of food! Within 15 years they will discover that the same people are not the road to success, but rather the barricade to success...
I won't make this mistake. But I might overthink my choice: garage does sound like a pretty word, but when we take a closer look at the meaning, it doesn't give the impression of success. Perhaps only a nice car in the future. Let's just wait a little longer before loosing my verbal virginity.
Friday, August 24, 2001
This morning was a total mess in our little household. Dad woke up very grumpy: first he didn't find his ugly summershoes, then he didn't find his shorts and when he found them he detected some heavy ironing was needed. With the hands of a person only used to hold a mouse, he started the job and screwed up his shorts within 37 seconds. I suppose you could argue this is the least time the Nerd ever needed to iron trousers - least of the 3(!) times there was an iron in his hand. On the other hand, those times the trousers survived! Anyway, he cursed and got very grumpy and his primitive effort to express his feelings infected mom.
Puterfreak got rewarded for sharing his deepest thoughts by a waterfall of words, and what I captured of it was that he does nothing in the week, that mom does all the preparations and carrying around of me and that the household is a mess and that dad makes it only worse and that he shouldn't be the one complaining. Basically nothing new... except that... my evil part wanted to publish this domestic secrets to the world! 10 billion people know about this now! The world population is laughing their asses off! Quite a strange view this will be when you look at the streets today... Listen up, people, I don't live in the Garden of Eden! I'm proud to tell that where I live things can get extremely messed up! My parents are not - I repeat - not in control! They are unable to combine work, household, me and their pathetic lives (grin). They last control when I was born. Does that make me evil?
Sure it does. While things got hectical this morning I decided to do my own humble contribution to world instability: I blocked all milk transport activity towards my stomach, sealed my throat, locked the doors! If you can do that while you know the company where mom works has very strict starting hours, you also know that you can add some steam to the already explosive situation. Mom bited dad, and he now started to express his deepest feelings by unfolding his pokerface. One-way communication. Good one dad! Thàt will change the world...
Ok, got to go now spending my day at Pseudo-mom's....
Wednesday, August 22, 2001
Grown-ups examine the world by using their senses: they can see me laugh, hear me cry, smell intensive use of my dipers,... Little men like me prefer oral exams: I learn to understand the world by putting it in my mouth. I don't make a real difference between what can be eaten and what is totally not meant to eat. To me, it's not uncommon to take Tigger's tail and put it into my mouth. Tigger doesn't complain and it keeps me happy too, so what's the big deal? And when there's nothing within a reachable distance, there's always my own body to help me out. Look mom, I can eat my entire hand!
Nevertheless, Biggies don't like this way of self expression too much: they fear I would swallow non-digestable objects. Or poisonous things. Or very little beasts that you even can't see but that are everywhere: bacterium-thingies or something alike. Now tell me, who's the paranoiac freak here!? You can't see them, so it obviously doesn't exist! I see a little scientist rising on the horizon...
Tuesday, August 21, 2001
Perhaps you think I'm cute. Maybe you suppose this, because you saw the picture on the left. However, did it cross your mind the picture could be enhanced/transformed with imaging software? That I might be ugly as a box of chocolate melted in the sun?
Well, I'm not. In fact it's the opposite: I'm much more cuter in real life than in pixels. The nerd that presumes to be my father also presumes to be a graphical artist. The hypothesis is wrong (well, I wouldn't know about the being-the-real-daddy-or-not-thing, I wasn't there at that time, correction, I was there but not in the same condition, I mean - ok skip this: it's not about reproduction today - scan your DNA if you like surprises, I don't care). My point is: my dad is not a graphic artist: he only knows software features, and there's a huge difference. He didn't enhance my virtual alter ego, he screwed it up!
But be ware! Due to my continuous absence of mind and my attention curve comparable to that of a cat ("Hey, look overthere, wew! - oh what's that on the right? - ah nice color is that shirt", one of the reasons babys and cats don't drive cars) my right ear is constantly folded. A bit hard to understand perhaps (not everybody has my IQ), but I'll explain: whatever I do, there's always something there pressing my ear up: it can be an arm, a pillow, my hand. The other ear is left unharmed. The result will be one ear up and one ear down within some years! This is a disaster: the foundation of beauty is symmetry. People with symmetric faces are more attractive --> have more succes --> become rich --> rule the world! I'd better be careful next time or my future is doomed!
The Force Is With Me! Learn how you can make your Golden Oldies go nuts and let them act more silly than one can possibly imagine! It works like this: once in a while the Food Deliverers act silly. That's a fact. If you don't react on this, nothing happens. But if you use your secret weapon, the World of The Idiots becomes visible! The secret weapon is indeed your smile... If you smile, it's like you turn on a hidden trigger in their tiny brains. They notice, repeat what they just did, start to make a lot of busy movements and become very noisy! A real fun to watch and hear! Smiling is also very effective in the process of getting what you want: this will become more important in the future, when there will be toys you want (but I realise a lot of you guys out there aren't in that fase yet)
There are 3 different type of smiles one can use to get things done the way you want them:
- The Mouth-Close-Wide-Smile (MCWS will do): go for this one if you're looking for subtle persuation and modest reactions. F.e. when you just want to chill for a while.
- The Mouth-Wide-Open-Maximum-Stretch-Smile (MWOMSS for the pros): a strong, confident smile for immediate effect and enthousiastic feedback.
- And of course there's the unbeatable Overcharmingwhelming-Billy-Idol-Touch-Smile (OWBITS is a lot easier to remember): to all the fools out there who didn't try this one yet: try this one! Talkin' about lifting your upper lip on one site of the mouth. It will melt them more down than Tsjernobyl (well actually there wasn't a meltdown in Tsjernobyl but I wasn't born yet so what do I know?) This Killersmile is a free ticket to everything you can imagine in life. You will become One with Irresistability. There's nothing you can't grab in life without a problem (Is this correct? Sounds more like "There will be problems always". I'm confused. I'll have to check my spelling checkers)
Sunday, August 19, 2001
Daddy finally got his back back... Nope, this is not a spelling mistake. Mr. Nerd lost his spine for a couple of days. So I've been seeing him a lot lately: it was too hard for him to sit behind a computer (can you imagine? It must have been very very bad if he even can't stay behind his computer). "Out of spine error". "Backspace key mal functioning". "Spine formatted". A lot of jokes you can make with this! I always saw dad as a old man. Now there's evidence for this!
Meanwhile the site has not been updated for a couple of days. It's not that I need dad to type all this (I can do this myself, I was born typing. I pressed the ESCAPE key to get out of mom), but I didn't want to bore the audience with my Ol'Man's moaning... And he couldn't laugh with my jokes. He has been very grumpy (more than normally), because he still figures himself as a young and dynamic God, ignoring the signs of the Aging. And also, he never was like that anyway huh! Maybe the next generation...