Friday, August 10, 2001
The biggest invention ever in the history in human mankind was the comforter ("teute"). Whenever you feel lonely or hungry, or you're just suffering from your OFS (Oral Fixation Syndrom), the comforter is the one giving support and consolation.
There is just one big issue with it: nobody ever told the creator that the end consumer is too young to be able to keep the consumer in his mouth. Not that this is a real issue: without support of the parents the comforter can only stay in for a couple of seconds. Now if I was the adult inventor of the comforter system, I would have created a system to keep it on its place, f.e. with a sticker. But I'm not, I'm just a happy end consumer, enjoying a life time support contract from the parents (that comes with the comforter).
Whenever I want to use it, a dummy parent must stay next to me, bended into what must be a very uncomfortable position to keep my comforter in. I take full advantage of my support contract lately during the night: my internal clock gives me a little signal at 2-4 AM that it's Comforter's Time! I give a little call to the responsables of my support contract and few moments later mom is standing next to my bed, doing what she is supposed to do. Not enthusiastic, but you can't have it all... Meanwhile I hear daddy snore in his sleep. The only thing that wakes him up is the cursing of mom. Or a truck running into our house.
Thursday, August 09, 2001
Few weeks ago (that's almost half of my lifetime), I noticed strange objects following me all the time. Wherever I went, these things were in the neighborhood, constantly moving around. A couple of days ago (the paranoia became unbearable) I discovered these objects actually belong to me. The-ones-I-have-to-depend-on-for-the-time-being call them hands and feet. I prefer to call them things (this is much easier).
Today I discovered something else: I can control my things with my mind! There was one of those things in front of me that mom generally uses to pull over my things (she calls them socks, fyi). With some major focussing of the Mind and the strongest willpower ever, I managed to grab the sock with my thing. This was the most difficult task I ever completed in my entire life. To me, the rest of the day I earned a day off. Only intense hugging and feeding from mom would be allowed.
Wrong. When my ol' man came home and heard about it, I had to sit on his lap and demonstrate it all over again. He continuously repeated: "Grab the sock! Grab the sock!" while forcing my little fist in the direction of the sock. He didn't have a clue how much pressure this caused to me! I tried to focus, just to please him, but couldn't get a grip on the sock! More pressure... more failure... more pressure... more failure... aaaarchhh! I could only escape by screaming out loud so that the fool stopped pushing me! I will never ever again initiate something in my life!
Tuesday, August 07, 2001
Pokemon is out: the most beautiful thing I ever saw in my entire life is a Bami Goreng package! Breath taking, the way they can combine intense red with intense green... And they used some font in intense yellow too! Pretty intense! No wonder people eat this (well I hope they don't eat what's in that package) Now for the other little ones out there that don't know what color is yet, some extra info: the sensation of color depends upon a peculiar function of the retina or optic nerve, in consequence of which rays of light produce different effects according to the length of their waves or undulations, waves of a certain length producing the sensation of red, shorter waves green, and those still shorter blue, etc. White, or ordinary, light consists of waves of various lengths so blended as to produce no effect of color, and the color of objects depends upon their power to absorb or reflect a greater or less proportion of the rays which fall upon them.
Or for short: "Guglprffff!!" (saliva saliva)
Monday, August 06, 2001
Okay kids, it's time for a little lesson again: parents tend to see things the way they want to, not like they really are. Those Who Where Created To Feed And Please Me try to transform my reality to a cloudless, sunny, perfect, soft world. Example: babys don't cry without any reason: it must be stomach ache, the fear of being left behind, the Unbearable Lightness of Being or the pressure of Modern Society. Never ever because they're just in the mood for a good, healthy pain-in-the-ears-creating cry. And it feels soooo good to scream out loud! (James Brown, here we come!)
Another example? Today I was on mommy's lap when my old man stood next to us (I guess his computer was booting, so he had about 67 seconds of freetime to spend). Here's his version of the facts:
"I tried to get my little cutybeauty's ouglydougly's attention, but although my lovely little wonder tried very hard, his busy shiny eyes didn't seem to find my face. He looked everywhere, but always in the wrong direction. Finally my youngest friend looked at me and gave me the most charming smile ever..." (meanwhile there is a strange blinking in his eyes, like he used a drug with very surprising side effects)Actually, this is what happened:
"Oh no, not him again! Ok, I'll just ignore him again for a few minutes, that does the trick most of the time. (...) Oh no, he's quite patient today: it's like he won't stop yet. And all the noise he makes! Would somebody please let him shut up? Let's just look again at other things, eventually he'll walk away. (...) Oh man! What did he eat? It seems like he won't stop making noise! Only one thing will stop him today (but I hate it): I'll have to look at him! (argl!) Oh, now he seems happy! The fool! (haha)
Sunday, August 05, 2001
Babys of the world: listen up! Here's some valuable advice to drive your parents crazy. Follow these steps exactly as described below: (learn to read first, or let your parents read it to you; they just might be stupid enough to do so)
- Before we start, there is something you need to know about your parents: they try to fit you into their time schedule. This means that they want you to eat at strict time intervals. It's ok to be shocked now, I was too at first...Warning: do not let this happen! Before you know it, they will be the boss of your life! So to teach them a little lesson by start screaming the Hungercry 30 to 60 minutes before they want you to. This just might be enough to screw up the whole planning for that day.
- Let them heat your milk, wait for the little microwave bell (you know the routine) and don't stop crying! Ignore daddy in his attempts to get you out of your cry-centration.
- Drink the first part of the milk at a nice tempo. Your parents will think the feeding goes very smooth and the world is not that bad a place to live after all.
- After a while, (let's say about 70cc) you can proove them wrong. Let Mister Sandman come closer and indulge in a cosy, deep sleep. While you fall asleep, enjoy the hilarious behaviour of m&d (mom and dad) in trying to keep you awake. They'll shake you, shout, drop things, jump around and do all things a bored monkey does to spend his time in the zoo.
They say cats see things humans don't see. Or feel. Or smell. It is true. Mom and dad own two housecats. Those hairballs usually stay in, but this week both of them escaped. At different moments. Eventually they came back: one the same day, the other stayed away all night and returned in the morning. It was fun to see how my parents panicked bigtime! I know now what to do now when I will be able to walk: just walk away! All the attention you get when you come back: cool!
Now about those cats escaping: of course they can feel my supernatural origin... I could kill them right now by letting them explode, but that would be too obvious. I'll have to be more subtle than that: perhaps they can just kill each other. My Real Dad lets people do that all the time, so how hard can it be?